I Win, Bitch!

I have an 18 year old cat, Alexandra the Great, that is hungry 24/7. Seriously, the cat eats like a stoned teenager. She will eat anything and everything. The other issue with this cat is that she has terrible arthritis. It’s like watching a 115 year old woman toddle around the house. Back to the food issue. When we eat, we have to lock her up because she always tries to steal our food. She loves pork. Sausage and pepperoni being top picks, of course. She’s been known to gnaw the pizza bones (crust) for an hour or two.

The other night, I made grilled cheese and soup. Simple and easy stuff. Because sometimes that’s the best meal ever. I did not lock up Alex, because what cat wants grilled cheese and soup? The other cats turn their nose at it and don’t even bother to sniff it. So, there it was, sitting on the table. An innocent tasty grilled cheese sandwich. When, suddenly it was gone. Gone where? Well, Alex had snagged it and was taking off like a bat out of hell. Did I mention she can’t move very well? So, I went after her. She managed to make it up the stairs and was almost in her lair when I finally caught up with her. Cats can be amazingly fast when they really want to be. Even the old ones. I grabbed the sandwich and she started to growl. I mean, “Bitch I will cut you if you take my sandwich” growl. But I’ve been here before, so I managed to pry the sandwich from her panther’s grip. She did get a nice bite of the thing. I threw it in the trash. I could hear her cussing me from downstairs. This is not  the end of the story.

I have a stainless steel trashcan with a nice tight lid that cats can’t break into. However, it’s really small. So, the can was getting full, but there was still room in the bag. Usually when this happens, we take the bag out and put it out the back door and I continue to fill it up. Don’t ask why we don’t get a bigger can. Really, that’s a whole other issue. Anyway, my husband took the bag out yesterday. He set it next to the trashcan, meaning to put it outside. But he did not. Can you see where this is going?

I woke up this morning and walked into the kitchen. The floor was covered with crumbs of some kind. I took a closer look – bread. I checked the package of bread on the counter – unmolested. I checked the package of buns on the counter – also, unmolested. Where in the hell did that bread come from? So, I look around and find in the corner, a tiny piece of grilled cheese sandwich.


The Culprit


5 thoughts on “I Win, Bitch!

  1. The more I read about cats, the more I’m glad I don’t have one! They’re crafty little things, aren’t they?? What’s that joke? The dog thinks – humans take care of me, they give me everything I need, food and water and shelter, they love and take care of me; they must be Gods. Cats think – humans take care of me, they give me everything I need, food and water and shelter, they love and take care of me; I must be a God. LOL.

      • Spoken like a true cat lover! 🙂 No, I love cats too, I’m just joking. I love ALL animals. But I do have a cat allergy so I couldn’t have one even if I wanted. But they are funny little things and ever so cute and with some of their antics. I have a few adorable kitty pics on my Pinterest Animals Board. 🙂

        We had cats up into my twenties, so I really know cats very well, but then I didn’t have a cat for about a decade and now I have developed the most terrible allergy to them! 😦 In Spain I used to feed the stray cats on my street (there were loads) and a lot of local people used to yell at me for it, but I didn’t stop.

        One reason for their annoyance – putting food out for the cats encourages rats. My answer – I have never in my life seen a rat anywhere here and – um – due to the dozens of *cats*, I doubt a rat would last very long.

        Another man said to me – if you put out food for them, I will put out poison. I said – I will do what I have to do, and you do what you have to do, and in the end we will both die and come face to face with GOD, and then let Him be the judge of both of us. He turned around and walked away. The cats were fine. He never poisoned them.

        I put up with a hell of a lot of abuse about that, but by the time I left, several other people had started feeding them too! 🙂 So that was nice. I wasn’t the only one who cared, and it just required one person to stand up to all the complainers for other people to get the courage to join in. 🙂

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